Theory

I don't know which is worse; expectations or the lack thereof. It's been yet another crazy but fulfilling week, although it still disheartens me that I obtained an unexpectably low grade for one of my subjects in my assessments. Nevermind, I told myself. I still have time and I have many more mistakes to pick up on the way to where I'm headed to. Expect less the next time - chances of it growing more than you think might increase.

There is plenty on my mind right now; even the thought of having to spew every possible emotion seems to scare me. I've never thought that I'd think about my future this much. It never really came across my mind how fast people are progressing, and how soon I would have to make my own decisions, drive my own car and chase my own dream. By myself.

And then there is this uncertainty of giving up something that doesn't even belong to you. There is a silly thing called an infatuation, where it sometimes just gets the better of you no matter how hard you try to shrug the feeling away. Travails are but normal phases in life; everyone goes through them. Heck, I don't think I'm even going through an obstacle. I'm just making things worse for the sake of my own compassion.

It is officially the 6th month of the year. Whilst time does indicate that nothing is ever permanent, I would like to believe that I can be 17 my whole life and not get bored of it. Like I said, adulthood is already beginning to appear as near as daunting to me. It's irritating how time flies.

But it's amazing how it does as well.

Blessed June :)

Sincere Promises

First of all, I wanted to start off by expressing how much I think Law isn't the course best suited for me come university life. But then I realised I needed to talk about something else that might be of equal importance. I'm opting for the latter. Because I am aware of just how much emotions dominate my way of thinking rather than rational scholastic decisions do. I think I'm trapped somewhere within the territories of hypocrisy and denial lately, and that is making me very afraid of how I'm actually becoming to turn out. I'm not one who thinks living a life of contradictions is perfectly normal for a teenager of this age. Even more so when I see people I tend to care for getting so lost in this particular aspect, and that is when the danger creeps in. They start losing themselves.

I think I lost a friend; yesterday night. We were caught up in a heated argument which led to my being labelled as self-indulgent and only thinking of my own wants rather than others'. I was told then that it was because of what I was that made her think she didn't want to be affiliated with such a person anymore. 'Just a mere acquaintance, nothing more than that,' she remarked coolly. It was fine, I guess. I mean, the verbal disagreement part. But to actually hear those words coming out of her was equivalent to a dagger piercing through the thin fabrics of a cloth; something like that. It just wasn't pleasant for someone I've come to know as a friend to utter the kind of words that you know is so unpleasant to your ears, you'd rather dissolve into thin air before you know it's about to happen. But I still heard it anyway. And as much as I wanted to disagree with what she had to say, I had to remind myself that she needed to have her own stand, too.

It was when she raised her voice that I told her to shut up. I was aware of the lack of decorum I had, but I just could not withhold myself from allowing her to say such words that were literally cut-throat. 'You are pushing it, so just get out!' she yelled, as if she knew completely of the state I was in. Funny how a normal conversation can lead to a fight in minute. Funny how the person whom I thought I'd found a friend in has now evolved into a stranger so distant and cold. The feeling of betrayal struck me hard as I took in every blow she channelled, that cruel nonchalance I got from her as I stared at her straight in bewilderment. I raised the question on our faith and how it suggests she should've taken back what she had offended me with, and try as she might to divert the topic, I knew deep down that she was bothered by many unspeakable issues. Which was precisely why I'd initiated the conversation with her; because I felt that need to perhaps pump in a little encouragement and motivation to help boost her morale - and she definitely took it the wrong way.

I don't believe in the theory of 'redeeming oneself' in a friendship. If it's lost, it's lost. Like what my mother always tells me, 'People come and go. But only go for the ones who stick by you even when the going gets tough."

I still do appreciate her, but that wouldn't be said with such honesty if I hadn't ignored the fact that she now claims that this friendship never existed. Ah, what a way to sting a heart.

A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be
sitting there next to you saying, "Damn, that was fun!"

Notes

You know how at one point, we all have a certain song we can completely relate to? It is days like these where mornings appear bleak that you start to wonder how you particularly feel about that day, and how the weather might actually affect your way of thinking. The morning here has been relatively chirpy. I sit here in the centre with a good enough view of the campus - teachers brisk walking past corridors, students dragging feet through stony hallways, gardeners toiling on beloved pastures of green - with the hope that everything today and hereon will go smooth if not unspoiled. I've been in the doldrums for a while knowing how stiff competition here is and just how immense the pressure can be. Everyone here is great in every way. Just like every other institution, the talents and skills of the people here are unimaginably admirable to the point that if you aren't good in at least one aspect, you feel out of the circle. I tell myself to not let that get in my way, and just try to be good at every point so that I don't appear a defeatist for fear that it might be called upon the judgment of other people towards me, and that is the last thing I would really want now.

But as always, I digress. The song that I was mentioning is Broken by Lifehouse. The more I listen to it, the more intriguing the lyrics become, and the more I think, the more I feel as though self-fulfillment is understood.

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

Stand

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."

-Ambrose Redmoon

First

Everyone is getting so emotional these days.

Can't help but be pulled in.