Miraculum

Purposeful silence, I realised, is so much more important than empty noises. Above everything else, I felt it was necessary to leave this space quiet for a while as I needed the time to just breathe and listen. It honestly hasn't been a smooth-sailing ride so far from where I'd left off a few months back, but what is certain is that I'm actually at a point of my journey where I feel like more things have fallen into the right places, at the right time. It's crazy to describe the whirlwind of changes I've been experiencing - from emotions, to people, to my approach on life itself...but what I've come to know is that the only constant factor staying alive is indeed, the power of God's love. I find no pride in admitting that my spiritual well has been dry throughout the past couple of months and that I had the nerve to go to bed almost every night thinking I wasn't being cared for nor loved. That, combined with the ever burgeoning social and academic pressure which began mounting over me started taking its toll on my perspective relating to whatever that was left of this so-called purpose driven life, which led to my asking, 'Where on earth is my happiness?'.

It's so easy to be lost amid familiarity. Secularity. That state of which you become disengaged from the one rope that holds you taut to your rightful anchor. But how does that even happen? It could begin from having tied a knot too loose for a ship that is ready to drift off at any minute, and that is where the separation gradually starts. Anchorage, I've discovered, is what keeps us rooted in our place in terms of being a fundamental element of what our foundation in Him is mirrored upon. The number of times I've felt as if I've wandered off into an abyss is as proportional to moments where my earthly worries took the upper hand in helpless situations. What I found rather scary was that even while watching these little events unfold before me, I hesitated scouring tools on my deck which I'd known were already there for times to pull me back ashore. Prayer, for instance, was somewhat lacking in my list of remedies, followed by a dwindling amount of faith which proved to remain lowly stagnant at the stage where I felt like I'd lost every sense of direction possible.

Times when you go astray you find yourself seeking the absolute purpose of your mission which you need to reclaim. Personally I felt like while I was dealing with so much on my back, the one thing I needed was assurance. Assurance that what I was doing bore a fruitful purpose and wasn't just something that would be reviewed and subsequently get discarded of. Sometimes, I figured, it is when we hear the loudest thunders in our personal storms that we start wanting to seek silence in our utmost refuge. Being a believer all my life, I find it so difficult sometimes to experience that 'breakthrough' that people have when they start their journey with God and as unpleasing as it sounds, would remain shielding in my bubble of complacency thinking that God had stopped working His 'magic' in me. I unwittingly forgot the bare, simple fact that the love He has for each of His children is always present, and the fact that I'd let my worldly doubts overshadow my confidence in Christ completely threw me off into an oblivious state of mind. There are so many times when we unknowingly forge ahead with our plans without Him in mind, but when they do fall apart, we immediately bring Him into question, faulting Him for our letdowns. I don't quite know just how many times I've been caught doing this but I've come to the realisation that the reason why I was so laid back in my faith was because I'd made my own issues crowd over the peace of which He'd given me in times of hardships, and thus often putting Him in a place so obscure which I'd ought not to have done.

It may be too soon to tell what actual hardships are given my lack of maturity. And to say that I now have a perfect walk with God is somewhat flawed too, given the fact that I, just like everybody else, still have so much room to develop and grow in Him in accordance with the personal struggles present in our everyday lives. The fact that I've received such a huge wave of revelations in the past week goes to show just how much of His love I need to be reminded more of, and for me to always keep in mind that He is there as long as you keep still and listen to what truly commands you. For once, it feels as though a big weight has been removed off me and it feels so amazing that He sees me as one of His own of whom He is proud to call His daughter...a truth that I've failed to keep close to my heart time and again, but one that speaks of undying grace and love.

I've taken so much away from what I've learned in the past week, and I realise that I can't summarise it in a mere post, but rest assured the lessons will stay with me for life. I wish I could just go on and on about how these lessons have impacted my way of living my life as a reflection of His glory but really, words do no justice as to what and who He is. I'm sincerely grateful that I've been receptive to hear from Him at times such as these when I really need that asserting voice as my guidance. Up until today I was absolutely certain on the outcome of a particular issue that's been hinging on my shoulders, but it honestly only takes constant prayer and an open heart for me to fully reflect on my circumstances and go with the best decision tailored for the future. There are moments when you sit back and wonder why is it that things have to turn out this particular way, but it all becomes so clear when you truly understand why it had to be done. I can't say that I'm upset over a sudden turn of events. What I've come to know, at the end of the day, is that there is an essential element of trust which I need to invest myself wholeheartedly into, and if I fail to do that, then I fail to live by pure faith.

In hindsight, God has never stopped working His magic in me. It all boils down to the realisation that we ought to open our eyes and not just concentrate on what's in front of us but to look beyond that. The long-term goal. And often we fall short of that pursuit because our vision is restrictively limited to what currently satisfies us, and not what will complete us for the greater good. Accepting an unwanted decision is undoubtedly difficult, but the disappointment gets nullified by the prospect of something better out there waiting to burst through our doors to fill in the crevices in our lives. With that in mind, I settle more easily upon this reflection and am content seeing these little puzzle pieces in my life fit naturally without any of my own meddling. How is it that it has taken me this long to fully let go of my own strength is beyond me, but if letting go in turn secures my anchorage in Him, there really is nothing of the future that should scare me too much...and this new facade of happiness that I've just come to know of makes me hopeful to take on what's to come in this sea of both pleasure and peril.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13