I should say I'm pretty much in a good place right now. Good, in the sense that I'm neither disturbed by wavering circumstances, but not great, as I may still lapse into one of those self-questioning moments which are inevitable but just as annoying. It takes me quite some effort to be able to convince myself that I'm free from a certain bondage - or at least I think I am - and that comforts me somewhat, although it still haunts me every now and then when I remind myself of how irrational I may sometimes be. But then again, aren't the most of us? The essence of tailing the norm decisions nowadays has since evaded our thoughts because we are afraid that those typical ways of thinking may lead to safe, and sometimes, almost too boring results. It's almost a catch-22, really, when we decide and crave for something so exciting to happen knowing that at the back of it you may lose the opportunity of choosing what was initially safe - and rational. But back to being hasty; it never does leave you with a sense of accomplishment, yet you are pleased that such rash decisions appear to be the best imagery of your future as a consequence, and you settle with that perfectly.
Does it get any weirder than this? Here I am, surrounded by a myriad of people with varying styles of approach to life and of different characteristics, struggling to understand what it is that makes communication and understanding click contemporaneously among so many levels of factors. Sometimes I feel just like a wandering tourist exploring the natures of people - what do they see and do from their perspective, in their own ways of living, and in their colourful world? I fit myself in their shoes and allow my own curiosity to trudge along their routines and carefully observe how their reactions to certain events counter against that of mine. Given X happened, I would find myself writing a mental list of how people would come to handle such a situation, irrationally or not. But taking into account this string of thought, how does it matter whether or not they have settled on an issue using their right frame of mind?
To be conscious of how irrational I am at crafting self-promises is an excellent referral to the slight tinge of regret that hangs loosely from the corners of my being. I am partially stricken with a kind of fear that shouts "There is no way back now!" solely because I have altered a part of myself that was used to allowing people in to cast wounds, and I was actually okay living with that in the past? Sounds awfully melodramatic, but it can't quite compare to that sense of liberation I'm experiencing now. It may not be complete, just as it is with that feeling when you finish your final examination paper and leave the hall - a balance between elation and restlessness - but a change requires time to fully develop. Clearly I'm not one who's used to changing scenes, but if it fixes my heart, why not? There are times when I need to discern between being safe but monotonous and being bold with a hopeful gut.
I've been listening to lots of Ellie Goulding as of late, and in particular this song. It speaks of moulding yourself into becoming someone who pleases, and not someone with an individualistic stand because you're desperate for a certain outcome to happen when you're clearly aware from the beginning that rationally, that isn't how things will turn out.
Why don't you be the writer and decide the words I say?
'Cause I'd rather pretend I'll still be there at the end
Only it's too hard to ask
Won't you try to help me?
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