Memento

I have a million reasons to be sitting here penning down some of what my heart/brain has long harboured up for the past recent time. Some things which are so delicate in topic; some too hard to stomach; and other trivial matters which have grown so incredibly magnified in my own peculiar vision. It's difficult coming up with a piece that focuses solely on a specific set of emotion when you very well know that that isn't how things work nowadays, or perhaps even from the very beginning. Different intervals depict different thoughts which enter your mind and deposit a mixed bunch of feelings which leave you frazzled and a little dazed. How do I expect myself to come across clear and concise when everything in my system is nothing but a bursting constellation of irregular sentiments?

But I somehow have to try. For some odd reason I feel like there's an urgency for me to be honest with myself once and for all. Suddenly it's as if I'm no longer that afraid of what others may judge me as, or, in any occasion, how my sense of observation of people and events may have backfired against my conscience, leaving me up to this stage - ignorance. Lately my effort of demolishing these blurry walls of distrust and wariness have been escalating up a notch, and in a way it makes me feel like I'm coursing through a totally different path in my personal river of life. But it's not like I've been succeeding a lot in it and it goes to show in many life events I've experienced first-hand. Why is it alright to accept hurt when you know there is a definite way to dodge it? Why prioritise a stranger's happiness before yours? Why be foolish?

I've had a lot to think about in terms of weighing another party's interest as against my own, and time and again I've found myself perched low at the bottom of the scale. I don't hesitate to allow such a result to naturally take its course and allow myself to continue on living in naivety. My frustration isn't stemming from the fact that I'd soften my guard so easily, but rather that I could've utilised the time spent on pursuing a better purpose that could've only changed me for the better. It sounds as if I'm being a little too selfish for my own good and I don't in any way deem that true. The only thing that I would like for myself is some sense of dignity and a reason to call me as such. Specifically I know this is being directed to a point where I'm once again referring to too many metaphors, but what I've made clear is that it isn't nice being broken by someone else, and it becomes a double fall when you've opened up your heart a little too wide...a little too foolishly.

It's futile to be so pent up with angst, I figured, knowing how these little mistakes in being over-gullible will only serve as strong reminders to my future self. The life clock that ticks in my system is wearing out as each second passes by, and at every change in minute I can almost hear a voice telling me to let the faults slip by. There is only so much that you can put wrong on a person, the rest is for you to self-evaluate and perhaps change some of the ways which might have landed you in this bucket of turmoil in the first place. There's still so much more that I need to learn and see. The past few months were thoroughly enriching and motivating; I've had the opportunity to travel to some amazing European cities and unwittingly fell in love with gorgeous Seville; I was blessed enough to do better than I'd expected in my exams; I came home to spend the happiest times with my loved ones; and underwent a legal attachment that broadened my knowledge and insight on the practicing world among other things. Year 1 has been a bumpy ride what with the biggest turning point being my leaving the nest. On hindsight it probably wasn't the most joyful period of time, but it certainly taught me a lot on reliance on Him and the importance of being content.

The right things will arrive at the right time, and soon they would all fall into their respective places just as they were planned. It behooves me to remain calm and forgo the deadweight; even if it mattered to me the one plausible solution is to engrave it in memory and await a better incoming phase. The hurt will soon fade into forming a shade of indifference and thereon a spectrum of hollow. Time heals all wounds, this scab won't even take a second.