Magnified

There are moments which stay a little while longer among the ridges of our thoughts, toying with the notion that some important memories do not fade, and that no matter how hard you try, you are no master of the eventuality of things. See, you're given all the tools that you need to paint this beautiful picture envisaged right from the very beginning; the more you paint, the higher the probability of making mistakes, and that alone is capable of shifting the entirety of the picture - an accidental curve on the edge of a square simply would not make it a square even if you'd wanted it to be the end product. I am ashamedly guilty of having embedded in my system a sense of perfectionism I can't seem to shrug off, where my mind convinces itself that the square must be a square, even if it takes the form of any shape or size. It's funny how I've been reminding myself that mistakes are but an inevitable part of the growth process, and that sometimes they are the ones that save you from the embarrassment of your own darn square. I've been cornered into many awkward and questioning places in the recent days, some of which have led me to a lot of reminiscing, prompting "what if's" and "should haves". A part of me wonders if I should even categorise these things as mistakes, knowing fully well that I had consciously walked away from what I thought were bad decisions, thereby avoiding what could have been extremely detrimental to my solid, perfect little picture. But what if avoiding these surmised mistakes, turned out to be the mistakes themselves?

I am well aware that this is a question I am frankly never going to be able to answer, whether or not I would like to know is a different story altogether. Days like these I am taught by the people whom I have met that whilst it is important to have in mind what you want in the future, this should never overcloud what you do accomplish in the present, "mistake" or otherwise. It brings me back to where I was less than a week ago where I failed to finish off the last paragraph of my final exam in university, and for a moment I was dejected with the thought that I will never be able to say, 'I completed my final paper', in a melodramatic sense. But then again, I am bound to the understanding that this was something I hadn't planned, and while it is obviously a mistake on my part for losing track of time, and while I slowly lose sight of my square, I start identifying with lessons that make the mistakes worthwhile.

It could be easier said than done when it comes to people, because calling a person a mistake is just as harsh as it can get. In some ways I am content to not have resorted to feelings of extreme regret, but rather remain wistful of the fact that things could have certainly unfolded in a different and better way, simply because it was just too difficult to brush away the high level of expectations I'd awarded most people with, and of the squares I'd envisioned them to become. It was never meant to be like this, it never will be, and I am but a fallen victim to this intense self-fulfilling mechanism that runs the superficial world like a tireless engine. It brings to light a great deal of revelations - I am not perfect, and the fact that I try so hard to make circumstances perfect defies the very essence of why I live this life, and who I live it for. There are certain things or people that I have failed to notice to have actually given the past few months of reflection a new wave of meaning in my personal life, and some that have opened up unexpected spaces and thoughts alike. Now that yet another chapter in my life draws to an end I am prompted to seek the bit of closure in an attempt to accept the twists and turns that I've deemed mistakes in the past, to eventually finding new horizons of opportunities to remind myself that it needn't always be a perfect square. And know that once you understand it, this line of thought may just catch you off guard and surprise you where you are least aware.