What Now?

It pains me to realize that the worst feeling you can ever feel, at least at this point in time, is the feeling of disappointing not only yourself, but your parents and everyone else who had your back. So I received my AS results yesterday, and as I held the provisional results slip in my hand, all I was thinking was, 'OK, let's be done with this so I can just move on to A2.' Surprisingly and to my chagrin, things did not turn out the way I'd expected. The recollection of those days and nights filled with endless doses of scarce lighting at my study desk and the fact that I worked my way to the best of my ability - they all seemed to have shattered right before my eyes as I could not believe the grades that had been printed on that sheet of paper. I unknowingly cursed under my breath, feeling like a complete idiot through and through, not taking a second to calm down and then went on to do what I do best when I feel like it's too shameful to face the harshness of reality - break down.

I'm not the best when it comes to dealing with disappointment. In fact, I pretty much suck at being so. There is a whole line of thoughts waiting to be etched out in different spaces of each of their deserving emotion - devastation, self-pity, disappointment, anger and confusion. What do I do now? I might be blowing things out of proportion here but if anyone asks me, I'd say this is a rather crucial time in my student life and I'd do anything to get things back on track no matter the circumstance. But the only thing that is holding me back is the one factor that seems to puzzles us all : time. Do I have the time for all this? Perseverance might be key, but time is something we can't ignore. Am I really able to spread myself thin and correct every aspect of my academic flaws? Le sigh.

This got me really thinking about my educational path. How maybe, in some twists and turns of God's decision for me, I might actually not end up in the UK. As much as I hate to envision that, I really am being pushed to the point where I have to include the worst case scenario into the picture. What, then? What am I really going to do with my life if that happens? Yeah, I know. Not the end of the world. Won't die one. Still have Malaysia to fall back onto.

But is that what I really want?

...

Gah. I don't know. Maybe it's the tiredness that's getting to me. Or maybe it's the fact that I'm constantly expecting so much out of myself that it's starting to all crash upon me. In whichever way, it's all disappointing.